The world thinks monsters are awesome
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Happy Wednesday Friends!

Today I want to tell you guys a story. Its a personal story (and a little long, maybe a 10 minute read). It will explain why, for as passionate I am about living life and seeing magic everywhere, I will not tell you to “follow your dreams”.

In September of 2013 I was foolish brave enough to quit my job, move halfway across the country, and start my own business as a mural artist. Why? Why not? I always wanted to paint full time. I loved painting murals and I knew I could do it. I had a great support system, a savings account with real money in it, and a “fuck it- I’ll figure it out” attitude.

I did really well at first too! I made great money. My clients were amazing and I count them as friends still. But at some point it changed.
Here is where I am scared to keep writing....

Do I want to tell them that failed? Do I want to tell them that I couldn’t find work because I didn’t know how and I completely chickened out? Do I want to tell them about my fear? Do I want to tell them I spent all my savings while unemployed and ended up so broke I had to ride a borrowed bicycle to go to work at a shitty part time gig? Do I want to tell them about what I encountered in the DARK? I don’t really talk about it....
See I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know a damn thing about business - or myself for that matter. I thought I did...
I got scared. I was alone. I fell into a frightening depression. I used up all my savings. I failed.

I do not wish any one to fail and go for broke in this life. If you can fail small I’d say definitely do that. I failed big. It SUCKED.
I remember these seemingly endless chunks of time where day and night blended together; trying to keep myself on a schedule of eating, sleeping, exercising, meditating and so on - even though I hadn’t seen or actually spoken with another human in weeks. I think 3 weeks was the longest; its a blur. I think normally introverts like myself relish time alone. But there is a limit, I know, I touched the limit, then cuddled up with it and fell asleep. Some call it a dark night of the soul. I don’t. I didn’t come out of it wizened or deeply spiritual in that way. If anything I came out raw, and scared. I just had my ass handed to me.
This is not what people want to hear. They want to hear the pretty part about following your dreams. Like the universe will support you and a million invisible hands will lift you up and open magical doors or whatever if you just follow your dreams.

Your dreams don’t want to be followed. They want to tear your spine out through your throat. You’re going to have to confront who you think you are, and who everyone else thinks you are. You might wake up with the taste of your own blood and bile in your mouth.

Your dreams don’t want to be followed. They want to transform you into an entirely different person.

So don’t follow your dreams.
Hunt your dreams... or they will eat you alive.
That, or make peace with them and go spend some quality time with the people you love. (But I know that you’re not going to do that. No one actually does that.)
Also, the world does not NEED you and your dreams. It really doesn’t. The world doesn’t NEED you at all. It WANTS you. It is fully enamored with you because you are ephemeral and it is ancient. It WANTS to participate in your growth even if you grow into a nasty nasty chimera monster. The world thinks monsters are awesome - it doesn’t care about the things we care about. It’s a mystery.  

Me and my dreams... well we have a peace treaty for now. I am regaining my strength as an artist and I’m sharing some of the process with you. There is a risk that you’ll be entertained watching me crash and burn again. But this time if I crash and burn in the art game I won’t be alone because you’ll be with me.
(*evil laughter*)

Thank you for reading this and for being in my circle of awesomeness. Please write back my beautiful pen pals! I LOVE hearing from you!

Many blessings,
Anne Marie

Copyright © 2014 Anne Marie Talon Arts, All rights reserved.

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