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THE FOUNTAIN HOPPER

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thirty-first edition | weather: too hot | read time: 6 mins
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IN THIS EDITION:


STANFORD IGNORES EVERYONE IT SAID IT WOULD LISTEN TO, PART ∞

BROCK RELEASED


WESTERN CIV HAPPENED, KINDA

+ some other bonus stuff

STANFORD TO STUDENTS:
LA-LA-LA, WE CAN’T HEAR YOU


ICYMI, it was revealed that Stanford was planning on banning hard alcohol in dorms last spring (Review). This is a terrible, terrible idea that turns RAs from friends to cops, denigrates the decade-long open door policy, and transforms a few transports a year into many dozens. We thought students might agree with us, so started a petition against any changes back in May. Turns out, over 90% agreed (Daily).

Stanford had a little think and decided – once again – that it really didn’t care at all what students thought. Instead, they managed to come up with an even dumber idea, which was to ban alcohol containers bigger than 750ml (NPR). Decanters sold separately. At the same time, they’re banning hard liquor at on-campus parties. Apparently, though, pregaming in Cedro is just fine by Greg Boardman!

Why did this happen? Not clear. Might have something to do with the administration’s persistent belief that sexual assault stems exclusively from the fact that women drink (USA Today, apology here). FoHo heard rumors that Stanford needed to throw a concession to its dinosaur-like board of trustees – which might explain why both student representatives on the alcohol policy panel voted against the proposals (Cath).

Someone did this in response almost immediately, and we’ve been assured that 749ml containers are on the way. We’ll be sharing people’s thoughts from the site soon enough, but in case you didn’t figure it out already, this is an awful idea. Most amusingly, a ton of RAs told us they will refuse to enforce the policy, so get ready for a fat load of nothing while some 80-year-olds congratulate themselves for looking good.

BROCK LEAVES JAIL FASTER THAN GOOGLE INTERNS GET JOBS


Speaking of not looking good, Brock Turner – ex-Stanford swimmer, once-Olympic hopeful, now disgraced rapist who used every trick in the book to avoid jail time – got let out after 3 months, halfway through his (widely-panned) sentence. We began our internships as he walked into jail, and most of us are still trying to get return offers, but apparently his slate is clean again now!

Since then:
  • A bunch of armed protesters have massed outside Brock’s house in Ohio calling for him to be castrated and holding signs saying “Shoot your local rapist” (Independent). God bless the First Amendment.
  • The judge, a former Stanford student, stepped down from hearing criminal cases. Probably not unrelated to the amount of criticism the guy has taken for enforcing what was, at the time, a set of laws that seriously restricted the jail time he could hand out. (Atlantic, Independent)
  • California activists have called for the judge to be recalled and for mandatory minimums for sexual assault (they worked for drugs, after all!). In response, a bunch of Stanford Law students wrote a letter protesting their professors’ support for the recall petition. FoHo isn’t sure what to think, but it probably doesn’t matter: proposed CA laws mean if Brock did the same thing today, he’d be in jail for a long, long time.
KNOW MORE?

ANONYMITY GUARANTEED.
 
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Q: WHAT DO FRANCE, KENYA AND IRAN HAVE IN COMMON?


A: Stanford beat all of them for gold medals at the Rio Olympics (Daily). In fact, we came sixth behind the US (kinda hard to beat the country you’re a strict subset of), the UK, China (meh), Russia (more meh), and Germany (too boring a country to have a good meme associated with them). 

NEW STANFORD PRESIDENT WHITE, MALE, ALSO PROBABLY PRETTY GOOD 😱


Marc Tessier-Lavigne became President of Stanford a few weeks ago, kicking things off with a long email that managed to say nothing at all in the nicest way possible. (Perhaps it might make up for his unfortunate first encounter with Stanford’s first black student body President?)

SAVE SOME MONEY (IF YOU REALLY WANT)

Waivers are now open!

Every April, a bunch of student groups 
ask for money from you (not us though! 😇). They almost always win, and then they get to add their costs to your tuition for the following academic year. If you want, though, you can waive your right to use their stuff – and not pay into their budgets as a result.

Good for: pissing off groups you don’t like by stealing their cash; defunding groups with nice names who do nothing; saving enough money to buy a terrible burger from TAP.

Bad for: feeling like a decent human being (the Review, with their usual restraint, called waiverers “freeloaders” last year); student groups (if everyone does this, all Stanford clubs stop running, because SIG can’t really stop you from attending a policy lunch).

We can’t tell you to do it. But if (up to) a hundred and fifty dollars matter that much to you, it’s here.

WESTERN CIV, KINDA, SORTA

Last year, à propos of nothing, the Review decided to call for a Western Civilization requirement in the most pompous way imaginable. The result was a firestorm and a 70-point loss on election day. But that didn’t stop Stanford’s humanities faculty, who just rolled out a new humanities core (poster, website). And – shocker! – all the courses so far are about Europe. Somewhere, high up in Hoover Tower, Niall Ferguson is presumably rubbing his hands with glee.

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(we need: copyeditors and reporters // we have: food)

NEW-YEAR MISCELLANY

 
  • Stanford did the usual thing of treating its campus like a Lego set this summer. Norcliffe and Meier join the rest of Lag; no doubt Stanford has prepared Lakeside Dining for a huge uptick in attendance. (Protip: don’t even bother.)
  • Roble Package Center has moved! (Which is probably for the best, given the combination of Amazon Prime deliveries and iPhone 6s preorders last year caused 4-hour line waits throughout week 1.) Pick up your shit from the FedEx shop next to CoHo.
  • Need a new bike, want to eat food with randomly-selected people, or have an extraordinarily specific request? Use SUpost.
  • Courserank may be gone, but Coursecycle might give you some idea whether a class is worth taking. (FoHo really liked 106A for the intimacy and personal attention it gives freshman keen to establish a one-on-one relationship with Mehran.) Also, try Carta to find out how much work a class is and whether you’ll get an A. Edusalsa is another great resource.

ABOUT US, AKA: WTF IS FOHO


The Fountain Hopper is your irregular, independent, irreverent companion for your Stanford journey. 

We’re dedicated to digging through the steaming mountains of fragrant bullshit only a beloved institution with a $5bn annual budget can emit to find the stories that matter to you. 

We’re written by Stanford students for Stanford students, and are helped out by hundreds of tipsters from every corner of the University. We’re the only student publication that’s completely financially independent of Stanford.

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