THING TO DO TODAY

THINGS TO KNOW

Black cats and voodoo dolls

MAGIC: Can I get a woo woo? Elizabeth Johnson Jr., the last guilty Salem witch, has officially been exonerated. Her name was cleared after some intrepid 8th-graders pushed Massachusetts lawmakers to right their 329-year-old wrong. And just as the US closes this chapter of the spellbook, another is opening. With #WitchTok now reaching 25 billion views, sorcery getting a Darkhold on our movie lineup (see: You Won’t Be Alone + Wanda slaying the MCU), and Kate Bush topping the charts, we’re dubbing this the new era of Witchmania. Offscreen, though, modern mages are waving around life coach certificates—not wands. With more Americans leaning into spirituality, spiritual coaches (mostly women, BTW) are combining new-age techniques with old-school psychology to help us become our most grounded selves. Reiki, chakra alignment, and lunar ceremonies are all on the smudged table for these “soul-preneurs.” But while stateside Sabrinas conjure up careers, girls abroad are still demonized by widespread hysteria. New data from the research center African Child Policy Forum says hundreds of thousands of children are accused of being part of the occult every year, often leading to abuse, ostracization, and even death. Similar reports have been made in countries like India and Papua New Guinea, which is why the UN passed a resolution last year “urging States to condemn harmful practices related to accusations of witchcraft and ritual attacks.” We’re not sure if we seriously believe in magic, but we do believe in human rights. And if they keep getting violated, we just might have to call Scarlet Witch on the perps, cause you know she gets real brutal when it comes to kids.

STOP THE MADNESS, THIS ISN’T THE MULTIVERSE

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FOOD: The color-coordinated charcuterie board girlies are quaking. As we’re sure you remember, Driscoll’s created a rosé strawberry last year, but they’ve returned with another surprising and tasty addition to your fruit salad. The newest in their trio of strawberries is the Tropical Bliss variety, a light yellow berry that tastes like pineapple and passion fruit. Good news if you like piña coladas… and getting pics for the ‘gram. 🍓🍍

SUMMER: They’re off duty. The lifeguard industry is experiencing a staffing shortage, throwing major shade on our summer plans. We’re seeing fewer hands on deck thanks to Trump’s prior ban on work visas, which paused international travel for many Europeans usually filling the positions. The American Lifeguard Association says the reduced workforce is affecting 1/3 of public pools across the US, leading to fewer hours and more closures that will probably last into 2023. But if you’ve always wanted to live out your H2O mermaid dreams, the time is now, so take a training class ASAP. (Oh, and don’t forget to practice your “WAAALK!”)

SCIENCE: The weather outside is frightful—because there are microplastics falling from the sky. No, really. For the first time, researchers have found microplastics—the smallest thorn in our sides—in freshly fallen snow in Antarctica. Previously, they thought (and hoped) such a remote location would be free from the type of pollution we see elsewhere. But it’s becoming clear that no part of the world is safe from human f*ckery. The most common type of plastic researchers found is PET, which is often used to make clothing. So, it’s definitely time to familiarize yourself with your local thrift shop and ditch the fast fashion. If not for us, then for the penguins!