June 10. 2022

The Newsette

THING TO DO TODAY


Hit the streets. Tomorrow, hundreds of marches will take place across the US in support of gun control legislation. Find one near you, or donate here if you can’t join IRL. 

THINGS TO KNOW


Black cats and voodoo dolls

MAGIC: Can I get a woo woo? Elizabeth Johnson Jr., the last guilty Salem witch, has officially been exonerated. Her name was cleared after some intrepid 8th-graders pushed Massachusetts lawmakers to right their 329-year-old wrong. And just as the US closes this chapter of the spellbook, another is opening. With #WitchTok now reaching 25 billion views, sorcery getting a Darkhold on our movie lineup (see: You Won’t Be Alone + Wanda slaying the MCU), and Kate Bush topping the charts, we’re dubbing this the new era of Witchmania. Offscreen, though, modern mages are waving around life coach certificates—not wands. With more Americans leaning into spirituality, spiritual coaches (mostly women, BTW) are combining new-age techniques with old-school psychology to help us become our most grounded selves. Reiki, chakra alignment, and lunar ceremonies are all on the smudged table for these “soul-preneurs.” But while stateside Sabrinas conjure up careers, girls abroad are still demonized by widespread hysteria. New data from the research center African Child Policy Forum says hundreds of thousands of children are accused of being part of the occult every year, often leading to abuse, ostracization, and even death. Similar reports have been made in countries like India and Papua New Guinea, which is why the UN passed a resolution last year “urging States to condemn harmful practices related to accusations of witchcraft and ritual attacks.” We’re not sure if we seriously believe in magic, but we do believe in human rights. And if they keep getting violated, we just might have to call Scarlet Witch on the perps, cause you know she gets real brutal when it comes to kids.

STOP THE MADNESS, THIS ISN’T THE MULTIVERSE



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FOOD: The color-coordinated charcuterie board girlies are quaking. As we’re sure you remember, Driscoll’s created a rosé strawberry last year, but they’ve returned with another surprising and tasty addition to your fruit salad. The newest in their trio of strawberries is the Tropical Bliss variety, a light yellow berry that tastes like pineapple and passion fruit. Good news if you like piña coladas… and getting pics for the ‘gram. 🍓🍍

SUMMER: They’re off duty. The lifeguard industry is experiencing a staffing shortage, throwing major shade on our summer plans. We’re seeing fewer hands on deck thanks to Trump’s prior ban on work visas, which paused international travel for many Europeans usually filling the positions. The American Lifeguard Association says the reduced workforce is affecting 1/3 of public pools across the US, leading to fewer hours and more closures that will probably last into 2023. But if you’ve always wanted to live out your H2O mermaid dreams, the time is now, so take a training class ASAP. (Oh, and don’t forget to practice your “WAAALK!”)

SCIENCE: The weather outside is frightful—because there are microplastics falling from the sky. No, really. For the first time, researchers have found microplastics—the smallest thorn in our sides—in freshly fallen snow in Antarctica. Previously, they thought (and hoped) such a remote location would be free from the type of pollution we see elsewhere. But it’s becoming clear that no part of the world is safe from human f*ckery. The most common type of plastic researchers found is PET, which is often used to make clothing. So, it’s definitely time to familiarize yourself with your local thrift shop and ditch the fast fashion. If not for us, then for the penguins!

EXTRA FOAM


1. Fuller eyebrows in 15 minutes? Our money is yours.

2. Our Spotify Pies are sweet with a dash of Lizzo.

3. We love yelling at Floor is Lava contestants for making questionable decisions. And soon, we can yell at you, too. 😈

STREAM QUEENS


We’re back! Congrats to a very smug Kennedy, because Only Murders in the Building is the official Newsette Reader Fav for TV. Next up: Movies! Choose your fighter below.

TEAM CHLOE: Nope
Premieres: 7/22
When I say Get Out changed the game for horror movies, I say that with my whole heart. And with a follow-up hit like Us, it’s pretty much inevitable for Jordan Peele to blow our minds again. His flicks have the best unexpected twists, and since the latest trailer already shows a UFO, we know extraterrestrials aren’t the OMG reveal. Tap below if you’re down to find out WTF is really going on. ⁉️
Vote here, brave readers.

TEAM KENNEDY: Thor: Love and Thunder
Premieres: 7/8
If Taika Waititi and Tessa Thompson getting all smoochy (guest-starring Rita Ora) during filming isn’t enough proof that this is a cinematic masterpiece, I don’t know what else is. Well, that’s not true. It has the Guardians squad, a souped-up Natalie Portman, and is obviously a proven aphrodisiac. So maybe pop a mint during the show, because you might head to 1st base post-credits.
Click here to avoid a visit from Loki.

TEAM ALE: Father of the Bride
Premieres: 6/16 on HBO Max
Come on shake your body baby do the conga, because thee Gloria Estefan is coming to a screen near you. HBO Max is blessing us with a remake of Father of the Bride next week, and I have a feeling it might be even better than the original, because this time, they’ve added a little bit of 🌶️spice🌶. My inner Latina is screaming at the cast… like, we get Andy Garcia and Diego Boneta? Plus, it’s set in Miami? Someone pass the palomitas stat. 🍿
Vota aquí for Father of the Bride.

TEAM MEGAN: Jurassic World Dominion
Premieres: 6/10
It’s a classic for a reason. The Jurassic Park movies are just good. And this latest release is really targeting my ‘90s nostalgia, since it’s bringing back OG cast members Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, and Sam Neill. I mean, sure, at some point you have to ask yourself, “When will these people learn dinosaurs aren’t pets?” But that’s another problem for another summer. So c’monnnn, you know you wanna ⬇️⬇️⬇️.
Click here or be attacked by a T-Rex. (Jkjkjk)

Stephanie Lee
Hi, Associate Editor Kennedy here. By now, you already know I’m an MCU fanatic. But what you don’t know is that I’m on a solo travel journey where I bounce to a different locale every 2-ish months. So far, I’ve set up laptop in Puerto Rico and Barbados, and I’m officially starting some me-time in Costa Rica this week. But it’s not like I just woke up one day and decided to pack up my life. Over months of hesitation, I had a ton of questions: Will I be safe? What happens if I get homesick after spending all this money? Can I live without Jack in the Box?

Now that travel szn is upon us, many of you—especially those with flaky friends—are probably experiencing the same concerns when it comes to going it alone. To help, I’m bringing you a monthly travel log of all the highs, lows, and occasional uh-ohs from my latest voyage. So strap in, because I’m getting real honest, real fast.

Dispatch from Barbados

Baggage

1. An intense delusion that I’d somehow nonchalantly meet Rihanna.
2. Converse that can handle the intermittent rain and match my yellow/creme wardrobe.
3. Total ignorance of what flying fish are.
4. An eSim so international data plans don’t derail my midnight doom-scrolling.
5. A refillable water bottle to store all my leftover rum.

Mile-High Moment

Don’t laugh, but I don’t know how to float. I’ve had swim lessons 2 separate times, and both instructors just gave me an IDK shrug when they watched my legs sink. For that reason, I’m not the coziest in bodies of water. When I went to Animal Flower Cave with my Aunt (who came to visit), I was naturally reluctant to jump into the absolutely gorgeous, though potentially dangerous, natural pool. But… there were white people there, and I know I should be above it, but I really hate acting out stereotypes in mixed company. So, I swallowed up my fear and stepped into the rocky oasis.

Things were going well, so we got closer to the cave opening where water splashed in. After a few minutes of tranquil serenity, the ocean decided to slap us with a huge wave, scaring the sh*t out of us. It was embarrassing how we reacted, sloshing around like we’d just been ambushed by a tsunami, but it was also the biggest laugh I had during my time on the island. Also the saltiest hair, but Shea Moisture cleared that right up.

‘Gram Crackers
What I Need to Unpack

People in Barbados love to remind you that they’re on “island time,” which is cute when you’re lounging at the beach, but really annoying when you’ve been waiting 30 minutes for dinner. Suffice to say, if there was a human embodiment of anti-island time, it would be me. I speak quickly, always rush to conclusions, and envision whole futures with men I just met. TLDR: I’m allergic to anything slow—which is why I will never be able to finish The Crown, sorry.

I tried to get the hang of the go-with-the-flow pace here because it seems like a less stressful way of life. Nearly every Bajan I speak to has had a million and one jobs that led them to become a taxi driver or owner of a charter boat company or whatever else. The island has pushed them in different directions, and it looks like they’re following the stream wherever it takes them. I, on the other hand, am always under the illusion that I can steer this ship wherever I damn well please with enough hurry. But as I sat on a broken-down bus stressing over how I’d make it to a food tour on time, I was reminded that whether we fight against the waves or let them simply roll off our backs, we end up somewhere and make do. We are all on the island’s time, so watch the clock or watch the sunset—either way, the bus will still be late.

Solo Survival Tip

Always walk with confidence. Creepers and other annoying people are more likely to approach people who look lost. Even if you have no idea where you are (which happens to me like 60% of the time), pick a direction and act like you know where you’re going until you can duck into a store, coffee shop, or another neutral territory. Once you’re there, Google to get your bearings.

Hey! What did you think of Flying Solo? 👍 or 👎

TODAY I WILL...

 
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