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WEDNESDAY'S FUCKING NEWS

Your Daily Fucking Planner - Nov. 9
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)
6:30am -- Wake up with a drowsy smile on your face and a song in your heart
6:31am -- Remember
ALL RIGHT, WHO THE
FUCKING FUCK DID THIS
 GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT?!? 
Is that you sneaking off, Jill Stein, hoping we won't see you? You just HAD to fucking run for president, didn't you? And why not? What's the worst that could happen?

And thank you for running, too, Gary Johnson.

And thanks, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and the Democratic National Committee for stealing the nomination from Bernie Sanders, who TOTALLY would have won, which we now know for a FACT because THINGS.

And thanks, Madame SecreWARCRIMINAL Hillary Clinton, for being such a terrible candidate. And thanks, Julian Assange and James Comey for revealing it and/or unrevealing it later. And DAVID SIROTA, who reported negative things about Clinton, like some kind of fucking reporter or something. Thank you for your SECOND disastrous Republican president, Bill Fucking Clinton.

And thanks, black people who elected Barack Obama and then didn't turn out in equal or greater numbers to protect his legacy. Way to not turn out in equal or greater numbers.

And kudos to you, Latinos, who, y'know, didn't move to the right states in sufficient numbers to raise your anchor babies and register them to vote, or something. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE US AND IT WAS GOING TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL AND MULTICULTI. And fucking Tim Kaine! Jesus! What the fuck did YOU do?

Thanks, white women, who didn't turn out for the first female presidential candidate the way you should have. Thanks, white, non-college-educated men for having been non-college-educated and for ensuring your kids will be, too.

Thanks, white, college-educated men, for anything we've fucking missed because your fingerprints are all over everyfuckingthing

Thanks, Republican fucking party for incrementally shifting your orbit out of reason's gravitational pull over the last few decades and eventually turning the party of Lincoln into the party of John Wilkes Bigly.

Thank you NATE FUCKING SILVER. Thank you GODDAMN BABY BOOMERS, the generation that was spat upon this planet from the self-entitled mouth of Hell.

Thanks, everybody. Thanks, all of us. (Well, not everyone--you can go, Evan McMullin.) As for the rest of you, America...

Everyone's so fucking certain whose fucking fault this is. As if this election shouldn't have taught us by now to

 
STOP FUCKING KNOWING SHIT,
BECAUSE WE SUCK AT IT.

We didn't know we would lose. We don't know why we did. Which means we're also not entitled to know any of the things that have us so terrified...the what-happens-nows and what-does-this-means.

Try it with us:
Q: Will Donald Trump repeal the Paris accords/Dodd Frank/sanity/Newton's laws?
A: Yes.
B: No.
C: I don't know
D: Help me mommy the scary clown has a nuclear football

The correct answer is C. Half-point for D. 

Don't believe us? Go read or watch Trump's victory speech. His first substantive, articulated goals were to help inner cities and repair our infrastructure. "Crooked Hillary" was nowhere to be found. He got his own most fervent supporters to applaud for the hard-fought campaign of "Secretary Clinton."

Why the change? Because he believes in nothing...we are guessing. Because knowing is what got us here.

Because we couldn't imagine it happening, w
e knew the country would never elect the first president with literally no experience in public office or military service whatsoever. It's a logical fallacy known as God of the Gaps. If you can't explain how something might come to be, just plug your god in there and it bridges the causal gap for you. Maybe the god bridge here is Jill Stein, or college-educated, tri-lingual LatinXs. Fuck if we know.

But Donald Trump crossed that bridge this morning. And we fucking built it for him. Because we knew that he and his supporters were racist, and by racist we meant irredeemable and unreachable. Maybe...maybe...if we had rejected the bullshit fallacy that anyone is anything...if we had realized that it's us who doesn't know what the meaning of "is" is...we might have grappled with what they had to say on their own fucking terms. Because no one thinks they're racist even though we're all fucking racist.

The other reason not to know what Trump is or will do? His own fucking people don't! Ted Cruz was out there this morning trying to remind Trump about Trump's own words, knowing that just because words come out of someone's face doesn't guarantee that that is magically who they are forever.

Because what if he's just a raging ego monster who has bought into the bullshit narratives that rich people get to tell themselves about their Calvinist merit and therefore he logically assumed he should be president because Jesus everything seems so fucked up when he watches CNN even though he doesn't have an organizing political ideology underlying concrete policy proposals. What if he's just another fucking Baby Boomer like Bill who just wants the world to love him?

The man fucking went on TV this morning and said he'd be friendly with any fucking nation on Earth that would like him, for fatwah's sake.

Now, maybe we're wrong. But after last night NO ONE GETS TO ASSUME THAT SHIT ANY MORE.

So we should entertain the idea that he's not...anything. Maybe we've elected the Platonic ideal of the Baby Boomer generation--so self-involved that literally nothing matters outside of how it affects the opinions of those around him about him in this moment.

Maybe he's the kind of bully who calls the smart girl Pocahontas because he's angry that she doesn't like him...and he wants her to.

Sound crazy? Really? CRAZIEST THING TODAY
OR MAYBE ONLY SECOND-FUCKING-CRAZIEST AT MOST?

Never forget--the Republican president-elect is on record favoring tax hikes on the rich, breaking up big banks, abortion rights (once, anyway), single-payer health care, shitting on veterans, and more. And his supporters knew it and didn't care. Which means if we can't KNOW that Trump is racist, conservative, a hate-monger, a war-monger, whatever, then we have to conclude that nothing's a done deal.

Which means it's time to pay attention, to do the work of figuring out what's likely to incentivize him, and then do it. Because now--right now--is when Trump is going to make epochal decisions about how to build his administration. And that will determine what his administration does. How bad things get before the public rises up as it did in 2006, or if even Republicans realize they're stealing too much, too fast, and boiling the planet too quickly.

Remember, Trump believes in nothing and he wants to unite us--which means he wants be popular...we're guessing--and his own supporters don't care what ideology he pursues. So let's make this happen.

Let's get to work.
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Correction
Due to editorial arrogance, in Monday's edition of The Fucking News, we mistakenly guessed that Hillary Clinton would win the presidency and that Democrats would win control of the Senate.
We regret the error.
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