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TUESDAY'S FUCKING NEWS

Your Daily Fucking Planner - Nov. 15
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)
Afternoon -- House Republicans hold secret vote on whether to keep Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) as speaker
After That -- House Republicans proudly announce to the world the result of their vote on whether to keep Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) as speaker, while not revealing how any actual individual actually fucking voted
Today's BFD
As 2016 Is Named Hottest Year Ever, Trump Announces He Will Move On It Like a Bitch: "It's Like a Magnet, I Don't Even Wait"
The World Meteorological Organization reported again yesterday that global temperatures are heading again for another record high again this year again. Again. The UN’s weather agency also said that to avoid having to repeat every year that each year is the hottest year ever, it is redefining the word “year” to mean, “a period of 12 calendar months that succeeds the previous 12 months, exceeds them in temperature, and takes us 12 months closer to drowning in climate refugees and/or water.”
 
Pres.-elect Donald Fucking Trump issued a statement saying that he is forming a transition committee to enable him quickly to move very hard on 2016 and on any hotter years that may follow. He said he anticipates taking 2016 to shop for furniture that will be budget-neutral somehow and then trying to fuck it. Trump named as his committee chair a relative of former rival Jeb Bush, an unemployed clown named Billy Bush.

In the past, Trump has called climate change a hoax that was manufactured in China at the same sweatshop that made his hats. He has also said he will withdraw from the Paris climate accords, which took effect Nov. 4, or as they say in Paris, le nick d’time.
 
Yesterday also saw the release of a report indicating that global emissions of carbon dioxide have begun to level off—due primarily to China slowing its reliance on coal.
 
Whether Trump will fuck that up and demolish the global commitment to capping or reducing CO
2 emissions remains to be fucked. Despite mainstream media labeling Trump a climate-change denier, he has actually made—wait for it—contradictory statements on the subject, as if delicately balancing politics against scientific reality and/or because he doesn’t know shit about jack. In his debates with that woman--you know the one, the one who broke our hearts--Trump denied denying the reality of climate change. And his campaign manager has insisted that he does accept climate change, he just doesn’t believe it’s man-made.
 
Some on the left are keeping the door open to working with Trump on keeping the door closed on greenhouse gases. Last week, the 2000 popular-vote-winner and therefore not-President Al Gore said he hopes to assist Trump on the issue. “The man is an idiot,” Gore told The Fucking News in an interview that someone close to him should arrange sometime soon, “But we won’t get anywhere by treating him like an idiot. We have to treat him like an idiot who’s too much of an idiot to know he’s an idiot.”

Gore added, “If we abandon Trump in the greenhouse of stupidity, he’ll wilt away under the massive amounts of bullshit radiated by Steve Bannon. Remember, it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.”
 
While others are preserving their sacred purity by refusing to come in direct contact with Trump’s moral monstrosities and asthetic cooties, some scientific and environmental groups have decided that trying to work with Trump to save the planet Earth might be worth holding their noses from the stink of his new senior strategist for the next four years, rather than holding their noses underwater for the next 400 years.
 
Environmentalists had also worried that Trump’s promise to assist coal miners would mean an increase in the production of coal and coal products such as asphalt, pitch and other bitumens. But now some prominent Republicans are indicating they will pitch in by not pitching in with the production of pitch.
 
Senate Majority Mitch McConnell on Friday said that if the coal industry wants a hand up, it’s more likely to get a hand-job from the Invisible Hand of the free market. Referring to the GOP’s agenda on coal, McConnell said, “Whether that immediately brings business back, that’s hard to tell because this is a private sector activity.” Adding in his lizard brain, "Suckers."
 
Nor is it just federal officials helping to keep coal down--specifically, underneath mountains. New coal facilities must be approved at the state level, and it turns out that states are where we keep the United States—and many states don’t fucking want coal killing their people when they can get more jobs, cleaner energy, and lower electric bills by investing in sustainable energy. Just like Obama and that nice lady said.

In addition, slithering out of the Paris accords could prove complicated, a category of thing at which Trump famously sucks. Another ray of sustainable hope for environmentalists lies in the fact that Trump’s business interests have already acknowledged grappling with climate change.

In official filings, Trump’s golf resorts have said climate change presents a threat to the company’s business interests. That admission could turn out to be a light-emitting diode at the end of the tunnel for fearful environmentalists. Trump could be prompted to act simply to prevent the effects of climate change from spilling over from his golf resorts to other recreational resorts, and ultimately to strategically important allies such as Sandals.
more: AP
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 Whirled Tour 
Trump Taps Radical Muslim Socialist African Dictator as Key Advisor
Pres. Barack Obama, a top advisor to Pres.-elect Donald Fucking Trump apparently, left Washington last night to reassure world leaders that the United States is still sort of like a country. Obama will visit Greece, Germany, and Peru, three of the 158 nations currently freaking the fuck out. The trip will serve as a historic bookend for the nation's first black president, who will close out his time in office just as he began it: Cleaning up a white asshole's fucking mess.

At a news conference yesterday, Obama assured the American people that Trump is not ideological, and is "ultimately pragmatic," suggesting that in some scenarios this could lead Trump not to destroy America.

The timing of Obama's trip is awkward, as Trump reportedly will lean more heavily on Obama than other incoming presidents have leaned on their predecessors so he can learn what kinds of things presidents do all day while they live in the White House and talk on the phone with all kinds of important people and learn new and interesting things every day.

Trump's lessons have already provided terrifying headlines like this one:


Trump was reportedly surprised to learn from Obama that there's a LOT of stuff presidents have to do, meaning one 90-minute meeting with the president did more to impress upon Trump the scope, complexity, and gravity of the office than did MORE THAN A YEAR OF NON-STOP TRIVIAL BULLSHIT FROM BOTH FUCKING POLITICAL PARTIES AND THE GODDAMN FUCKING MAINSTREAM GODDAMN FUCKING MEDIA, which then had the screamingly-out-of-touch audacity to bitch about how many months they "had" to spend talking about the same goddamn fucking bullshit NOTHINGS they chose to talk about over and blitzer.

Obama's role as a key Trump advisor came as a surprise to critics who said that Trump's predictable but dipshit appointment of howling rage junkie Stephen Bannon as senior strategist proved without a doubt that Trump was essentially, at heart, irreducibly something bad that obviated the obligation to do any subtle work with Trump to make things as unsucky as possible.

Obama yesterday suggested that Trump might grow into the role of president once its responsibilities become clear. Explaining that the office has a way of heightening its occupant's flaws, Obama gave the example of his own inability to keep track of various papers and files, while Trump is known for his ongoing struggle with chronic brain wrongness.
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 UPS Yours, Geezers 
UPS Workers Refuse To Sign For Shitty Health-Care Package
UPS air-maintenance workers have voted to authorize a strike if the company goes through with its intent to jack up health-care payments by its retired workers. Teamsters Local 2727, which represents the company’s 1200 air-maintenance workers, said that turnout for the vote was 80%, significantly higher than the turnout to vote against Donald Fucking Trump, whose party wants to jack up health-care payments by retired everyone.
 
Of those workers who voted, 98% supported the strike, while two percent supported magically getting everything they want and refused to vote for the lesser of two evils.
 
Federal law requires that a national board first authorize the strike, and there is a 30-day waiting period in which UPS and its workers could still come to terms. The company has thrived with the advent of online shopping, and is doing a booming business helping Amazon grow to the point where Amazon can deploy its own delivery vehicles and put UPS out of business, which won’t matter to the executives getting rich now off their short-term planning.
 
The company is nicknamed “Brown,” for its famous vehicles and uniforms. The color was chosen due in part to its emotional warmth, but mostly to prevent people from noticing the company’s shit and filth.
more: Reuters
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 Taken For Granite 
With Clinton Win in New Hampshire, Campaign Team Says Internal Data Prove She Can Still Win This
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has won the state of New Hampshire, the Associated Press projected yesterday, putting her just 38 votes away from victory.

Clinton's narrow New Hampshire win gave her four additional electoral-college votes, meaning all she needs now in order to clinch the presidency is for several new states to be admitted into the union--with sizeable populations of college-educated, LGBTQ-friendly, Latinx, registered voters--before the Electoral College meets next month.

With Michigan still counting votes, Democrats are clinging to the hope that Clinton can still pull this out. "We see this breaking our way," said one Clinton campaign staffer, speaking anonymously to The Fucking News to avoid revealing that he worked on the Clinton campaign. "I mean, can you imagine if we fucked this up? There'd be people marching in the streets."
more: Politico
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Word of the Day
Obanmon
oh•ban'•mahn (proper noun)
Any person indelibly defined by reliance on two advisors of irreconcilable inclinations and opinions.
Ex. "The incoming president chose racist hater Steve Bannon as his senior strategist and chose racism hater Barack Obama to advise him on his transition, proving for all time that Trump is a pure combination of the two contradictory essences and everyone knows there's no point reasoning with an Obanmon like that. Well, that was easy!"
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