'Tis the season for Armaments and Relentless Capitalism.
It has come to our attention that there is an annual ritualistic crisis that is fast approaching. According to our sources, a large man with global reach and seemingly endless resources will very soon be committing seven billion counts of unlawful entry by way of chimneys, as well as dairy and cookie theft. What's more, other corporations seem fine to sit idly by as this bearded burglar makes his rounds.
We here at Streeper Industries refuse to let such atrocities come to pass. We have already apprehended and disposed of 39 of his doppelgangers doing reconnaissance in local malls by way of relentlessly questioning innocent schoolchildren. We were also able to effectively neutralize 13 others that were extorting passers-by by way of ringing a hand bell in front of a red hanging pot. We've found that these doppelgangers, almost always dressed in red, are in fact not immune to blood loss, and that in fact their suit only temporarily hides massive bleeding and bullet wounds. No doubt this is to terrify the enemy. Research and experimentation will continue unabated, at least until we run out of doppelgangers or hot coal. We will keep you up to date as we combat this threat.
We have observed that individuals attempt to cope with the resulting trauma of this breaking & entering by expending economic resources on gifts, which frankly are better spent on armaments, or our new line of Chimney Chopper® rotating blade-based fireplace personnel removal apparatuses. Nevertheless, we recognize the human psychological need to cope, even if we don't fully understand your economic rationale.
Therefore, Streeper Industries is proud to announce the release of Charitably Offer-able Amusement Licenses. Or Gift Vouchers, as laymen might call them.
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