THE FOUNTAIN HOPPER

FauxHo, First Edition
Thursday, June 2nd, 2016

IN THIS EDITION:


WHAT WE'RE READING 

EXCLUSIVE: STANFORD GOES FOSSIL FREE

ADMINISTRATORS TIED UP IN EXPLOSIVE SEX SCANDAL

DRAW BUMP SCHEME INTRODUCED
We're glad you're with us. 
๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ

WHAT WE'RE READING

 
  • REVIEW EDITOR DRAWS INTO XOX; RELISHES CHALLENGE AHEAD
  • OAPE CRACKS DOWN ON DANGEROUS DRINKING WITH NEW ALCOHOL-FOR-CRACK EXCHANGE PROGRAM.
    • CASTRO: "WE TAKE DANGEROUS DRINKING VERY SERIOUSLY"
  • TESSIER-LAVIGNE RESPONDS TO CRITICISM: "I ACTUALLY IDENTIFY AS BLACK"
  • D.SCHOOL REVEALED AS FRONT FOR POST-IT MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEMEIDEATION A LIE
  • HENNESSEY CONTRACTS DEBILITATING DONOR TRANSMITTED DISEASES
  • LAPIN LEAVES STANFORD TO JOIN CLINTON CAMPAIGN
    • THOUSANDS OF EMAILS MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING
  • 53 FRAT BROS DIE IN MYSTERIOUS GAS LEAK; HOXBY SPOTTED ON SITE WITH GARDEN SHEARS
  • DAILY SCOOP FOUND LEFT IN ICE CREAM TUB
  • TITLE IX SHUTTERS STANFORD ABSTINENCE SOCIETY AMIDST ACCUSATIONS OF UNSAFE SEXUAL ENVIRONMENT
  • STANFORD 68 BRIDGES DIVIDE; HEADS TO BRIDGE FOR SUPPORT WITH BRIDGE SITUATION
  • BOARDMAN TELL-ALL: "I ONLY WANT TO KILL FMOTQ BECAUSE I WENT LAST YEAR AND NOT EVEN THE GNARLY SYNERGY GIRL THAT KISSES EVERYONE WANTED TO KISS ME"
  • UNIVERSITY CONTRACTS BRITISH AMERICAN TOBACCO TO IMPROVE PR IMAGE
  • BAND TRIPS CANCELLED; LOCAL MUSHROOM MARKET COLLAPSES
  • DOOR CLOSED; BUILDING FINALLY SECURE

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STANFORD GOES FOSSIL FREE


In a shocking U-turn, Stanford administrators announced today that Stanford would, indeed, be going fossil free.  

PR extraordinaire Lisa Lapin told FauxHo that the decision was made as part of a new policy to give more fucks about its students. In an interview on a barber chair at FauxHo's favorite campus institution, Lapin told FauxHo: "We've listened to the student body, and today, we're proud to be the first University in the world to make this pledge. As of September 2016, Stanford will be completely fossil free."

After extraction, fossils will be sent to the newly commissioned Arrillaga Building For Achieving a Fossil Free Stanford (ABFAaFFS) where Stanford geologists will examine, classify, clean and catalogue all fossils extracted from the farm. 

To expedite Stanford's journey to fossil free, the Geology department will be doubling the number of tenured paleontologists in the hopes of expediting what promises to be a lengthy process to identify and remove fossils around campus. 

FauxHo reached out to geology undergraduates for their take on this, and fully one third responded. The singular student told FauxHo: "Stanford's grounds are stuffed with ancient skeletons just waiting to be dug up. I think freeing the fossils is the right things to do. #fossilfree".

The fossils extracted will be displayed at the new ABFAaFFS in a exhibit entitled "Fossils of Stanford's Past." The exhibit will feature all fossils collected on campus, including a newly commissioned portrait of long-serving Student Life administrator Nanci Howe.

๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ
๐Ÿ’ซโ’ปแนŽโ’ฝแนŽ๐Ÿ’ซ
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SALONER, QUIDDITCH, PROVOST SEX SCANDAL PENETRATED


"Knife. Penis. Public Square".

You may remember this phrase from a series of text messages sent to his mistress by (still current) head of Sanford's GSB, Garth Saloner. So you can imagine our surprise when we starting hearing whispers of a secret invite-only "Stanford+Connects" event featuring top-level GSB Don Juans**, Kardinal Kinksters, and the Stanford Quidditch team.

We weren't very surprised at all. 
 
~~~YET ANOTHER FAUXHO EXCLUSIVE~~~

We asked members of the Quidditch team as well as University leadership whether they were involved in a massive sex scandal. Stanford Quidditch refused to comment. In an interview on The Barber Chair, the Provost also declined to comment, telling FauxHo that he was "a bit tied up right now" with his already stuffed roster of Stanford Sex Scandal inquiries (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7).

Given the reluctance of Stanford's seekers, beaters and keepers to snitch on one another*, we had to do some ~old-school investigative journalism~.

Members of our team staked out the dorms of Quidditch team members, rifled through their trash, threatened their friends and family members, and roughed them up a bit to show we meant business.

Eventually they started to crack, with one anonymous Stanford Quidditch tipster confessing โ€œMppph mpph mpph owwwww". Upon removal of the ball gag, the tipster added: "Okay, okay, there was a sex thing. Jesus Christ. Is that what you wanted me to say? Please untie me already.โ€

At press time, there were five acts of intolerance filed, four Title IX complaints opened, three fraternities unhoused, two Stanford brands confiscated, and a partridge was removed from a pear tree for health and safety reasons by SUPD. The partridge was unharmed.

The investigations continue, and FauxHo continues to investigate.
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STANFORD INTRODUCES DRAW BUMP SCHEME, SOME MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS

CLICK HERE FOR MORE

FROM THE FOUNTAIN HOPPER
 

โค๏ธ

Ilya Mouzykantskii '16
aka The Fountain Hopper


ilyamuz@gmail.com

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